THE BAD 8 - PART VIII

SAAB 9-5

While neither pretty or ugly; fast or slow; cheap or expensive; poorly constructed or tough-as-nails, the Saab 9-5's overwhelming mediocrity and unchanging attitude solidify its position in this oh-so-undesirable group.

Fifteen years ago I sat in the passenger seat of a Saab 9000. The throttle hit the mat, the turbo eventually spooled, and the kick in the back was unbelievable. Not much has changed in the last decade or two - except for the fact that the kick in the back is now completely believable. Stronger kicks are available elsewhere.

Whether its Beckenbauer or Beckham; Ronaldo or Ronaldinho, eventually everybody steps off the field for the last time. Saab has left the 9-5 on the table long past the time the coffee went stale and the Coca-Cola lost its fizz. The best before date sailed past many years ago.

It's unlikely you will ever see a car facelifted as many times as the Saab 9-5 has been nipped and tucked in the last six years alone. In fact, few cars - if any - will ever see a model continuation cycle like that which GM afflicted upon Saab. What was once a more than decent car has become an oft-ridiculed, frequently-derided, overpriced mockery of the Swedish automotive industry.

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Alternatives: Audi A6, Infiniti G35, BMW 335i

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12: Buy a Saab 9-5 and receive 50% off guaranteed production prices of the Aero X.

Anything Else? The 9-5 is not jet-inspired, or jet-derived, or jet-powered, or jet-fast either.

THE BAD 8 - PART VII

NISSAN VERSA SEDAN

Allow the images to speak for themselves. Experience the odd sensations of the Xtronic continously variable transmission. Hear the engine drone. And, once again, allow a profile shot of the Nissan Versa sedan to convince you of its Bad 8 credentials.

The Versa hatchback is an odd duck, itself. A weekend long GoodCarBadCar test drive made that clear in June. The sedan is similarly spacious but lacks the versatility of the hatchback configuration. So Nissan markets the sedan as a safe and secure option for Americans, likely as headquarters in Japan and France wonder at the existence of such a small four-door with a trunk.

Honestly, however, the ugliness of the Versa sedan and the multitude of better options seals its fate. Buyers want - or at least should want - more than just space and fuel efficiency. Add some spunk and funk to the Versa and you could have a winner.

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Alternatives: Honda Fit, Toyota Yaris, Hyundai Accent

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12: 25% off the purchase price.

Anything Else? Nissan's spunkier and funkier other-world small car options include the Micra, even a Micra C+C.

THE BAD 8 - PART VI

Lincoln Town Car

For a second there, you thought it was still 1994. Ford Motor Company is still selling the Lincoln Town Car. It still weighs over 4,300 pounds, generates no more than 239 horsepower, and suffers from a suspension system that's independent only at the front of the car. The transmission in this luxury car makes use of just four speeds. Park a smart fortwo alongside and enjoy the complete view of the heavily chromed wheels. Step inside, and although high-in-features and comfortable, the all-around design and ugly column shifter make you think high-end Wal-Mart.

So Lincoln's Town Car is slow, overweight, humongous, ugly, and antiquated. A surprising amount of Town Car buyers are individuals (65%) rather than taxi/limo/hearse buyers, but even with the '60% repeat customer' tagline, that first number is appallingly low. Unfortunately, the latest news seems to show that the upcoming MKS will not boot the Town Car from showrooms.

For now, the best we can do is place the Lincoln Town Car on The Bad 8 as a recommended "AVOID" for 2008.

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Alternatives: Chrysler 300C SRT8, Cadillac STS, Lexus ES350, Audi A6

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12: 50% off + the paperwork required to progress the sale to your Floridian great-uncle.

Anything Else? Forget what the Lincoln reps might tell you: the platform on which every Town Car rests (named Panther) was introduced in 1978 in Ford and Mercury showrooms and in 1980 for the Town Car.

THE BAD 8 - PART V

Lexus SC430

You're thinking: "Lexus? Lexus?! The Good Car Guy thinks a Lexus is a bad car?" I'm thinking: That's not such a bad question. The SC430 presents a spectacular interior; smooth and serene upon every cruise. Lexus is widely regarded for its relentless pursuit of perfection, and although not perfect, their QRD (quality, reliability, durability) is basically peerless.

But the SC430 is far from a recommended purchase. Upon its debut, Lexus designers said they were inspired by boats along the French Riviera. Clearly, the styling inspiration was either misplaced or miscalculated. Secondly, the SC430 punches well below its weight with just 288 horsepower. Yes, I said 'just' 288. This convertible is swimming with the big fish now, and 288 is adequate only for sporting cars multiple classes down.

Finally, the French Riviera inspiration carried over in the wrong place. Especially when considering the SC430's main competition, this French boat-inspired, Japanese hardtop-convertible handles like a ship without a rudder. Steering inputs are helpful suggestions, rather than intuitive commands. Anything approaching 'fun' has been displaced in favour of extreme cushiness.

Lexus rarely takes reckless chances. With the SC430, Lexus took some form of a chance. The Bad 8 makes clear that they shouldn't have bothered.

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Alternatives: Porsche Boxster, Jaguar XK, Chevrolet Corvette, Volvo C70, Mercedes-Benz CLK350

Necessary Incentiving To Switch To The Good 12: $9,755 off the MSRP, making the base SC430 equivalently priced with Porsche's Boxster S.

Anything Else? The SC's predecessor was a beautiful, comfortable, classy hardtop-only six and eight-cylinder sports coupe.

THE BAD 8 - PART IV

KIA AMANTI

The company under which hangs Kia Motors offers a vehicle called Azera. Yes, the Hyundai Azera can be had with the same engine for less money. Sure, the Azera is a newer design. True, the Azera is much better looking.

Why then, pray tell, isn't the Kia Amanti a member of The Good 12? Equivalent power, in addition to a superior image and visuals can be had elsewhere. The overwhelming nausea any compassionate person suffers when watching an Amanti drive by can be heightened only by the sight of sandals & socks or dress shoes & shorts. What Not To Wear? The Good Car Guy is ready to host What Not To Drive. Drivers of Kia's Amanti are automatically nominated for appearances on the first show.

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Alternatives: Hyundai Azera, Chrysler 300

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12: Free Kia Rio5 with every Amanti purchased.

Anything Else? The same company manages to introduce the Soul, although a lack of brains led to the debut of the Amanti.

THE BAD 8 - PART III

FORD TAURUS

Oh... sorry, what was that? It appears you caught me napping in the middle of a post. Ford's Taurus, nee Five Hundred, will put you to sleep, as well. It is for that reason - almost solely for that reason - that the Taurus is forced into the shame of Bad 8 membership.
With dozens of makes and hundreds of models on the road, added to the hundreds of different older vehicles still roaming, the Taurus still holds a firm grasp on the lowly title of Car Most Likely Not To Be Noticed Driving By. True, the likelihood of pedestrians taking notice may increase as sales of the Taurus decrease and it becomes a rare sight; in a twisted boring Lamborghini sense.

Ford now equips the Taurus with a much better engine than what once was true. CNNMoney suggests that this full-size sedan is the safest car on the road, as judged by its perfect scores at NHTSA and IIHS crash tests. Space inside the Taurus is plentiful and well-appointed. But....

I'm falling asleep again. The driver of a Ford Taurus is unengaged. Lifeless steering, wallowy ride and handling, unresponsive dynamics, and uninspiring visuals are traits that combine to make the Taurus a great car.... in a different era. Which era; I'm not sure. But it must have been true at some point.

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Alternatives: Chrysler 300, Toyota Avalon, Honda Accord, Hyundai Azera

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12: $4000 cash on the hood. The car isn't terrible - but the alternatives at its MSRP are undoubtedly much better.

Anything Else? Check out Ford's full-size options in Australia, the Falcon & Fairlane, and tell me if their appeal isn't 10x stronger.

THE BAD 8 - PART II

CHRYSLER SEBRING CONVERTIBLE

Keep it brief: complementary reviews may as well be lengthy; harsh reviews and placements on Must Avoid lists shouldn't be exhaustive. If you don't have anything nice to say.... at least keep your comments short.

Chief reasoning to affix Bad Car to any vehicle is always the evidence of a substantial number of better automobiles available at a substantially lower price of entry. Three more reasons that Chrysler's Sebring Convertible should remain far away from your shopping list?

Check out that hind end. If I tried to design something as henious as that; I would fail. Next, watch that hind end wallow when following a Sebring Convertible in Orlando this summer. Guaranteed: you'll wonder just how the occupants aren't barfing over the side for the sea-sickness.

Finally, you read the word 'Orlando', right? Well, what about Boca Raton? Jerry bought his dad a big Cadillac quite a few years ago. If Seinfeld were still on the air, it'd be a Sebring Convertible in 2008. The real Jerry Seinfeld knows better - but Boca Raton knows worse.

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Alternatives: Ford Mustang, Volvo C70, Volkswagen Eos, Mini Cooper

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12: Downpayment for south Florida condo in the trunk of your new Sebring Convertible.

Anything Else? The Sebring battles the Mustang for top-selling droptop in the USA, but is beginning to drift from its former #1 perch.

THE BAD 8 - PART I

CHRYSLER CROSSFIRE

I once was a little brother; accustomed to hand-me-downs, but that doesn't mean I wanted to pay top dollar for my brother's t-shirt and jeans. When Daimler & Chrysler were still 'one', the M-B SLK became the hardtop, overtly-styled, Chrysler Crossfire.

Problem? The first SLK wasn't great to begin with, certainly not in its dynamic ability. Producing a convertible version of the Crossfire became somewhat embarrassing. After all, the SLK came standard with a folding hardtop. A retractable hardtop was not part of the deal for the Crossfire when Chrysler received the second-hand platform.

Sure, my abode is not inside the sunbelt, but I have seen a Crossfire or two. Well, maybe it was the same one. Expecting members of the human population (a race with at least some measure of inherent intelligence) to pay upwards of $30,000 USD, even over $40K for a top-line roadster, is insulting.

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Alternatives: Ford Mustang GT, Mazda MX-5 Miata, Nissan 350Z, Mazda RX-8

Necessary Incentivizing To Switch To The Good 12: $17,000 cash back and $3,000 worth of bodykit accessories.

Anything Else? Chrysler is bidding the Crossfire farewell. Join them in saying, "Good riddance".

THE BAD 8 - INTRO

While automakers spend millions upon millions of dollars in research & development to make an appearance on a list like the just completed The Good 12, they also spend their millions upon millions to assure their absence on the upcoming list, The Bad 8. It behoves the automotive press, mainstream or otherwise, to inform you of your best and most exciting purchase options. Unfortunately, although unpleasant and anger-inducing, just as needful as a recommended list is an avoid-at-all-costs list.



Less unfortunate is the fact that few cars are 'bad' in the sense they were just ten or fifteen years ago. You're less likely than ever to be stranded on the side of the highway with your new car, but you'll probably be comfortable waiting inside your automobile if indeed you do come to an unexpected stop. The car - yes, just about any new car in North America - will keep you safe in an accident and do plenty to avoid the accident in the first place. There's a good chance that same car is more fuel efficient than its equivalent ancestors, better for the environment, and more powerful.

Yet there's room amongst the hundreds of models available in the USA and Canada to create The Bad 8. This is, after all, GoodCarBadCar. With a name like that comes a reputation to maintain. The Bad 8 is fully of the unnecessary, dull, boring, ugly, and pitiful. Automakers sometimes forget to discuss the development of a vehicle with the design department. Sometimes, you'd be correct in assuming that future trends were thrown on the back burner and automakers gave birth four years late.

One way or another, over the next eight days you'll see the eight cars you shouldn't bother with in 2008. To learn more about The Good 12, click here. If you want to see more about the Audi TT, BMW 3-series convertible, Chevrolet Corvette, Honda Accord, Honda Fit, Hyundai Accent hatchback, Infiniti G, Mini Cooper, Porsche Boxster, smart fortwo, Volkswagen GTI, and Volvo V70, follow this link.